when to keep my mouth shut

Being a social worker is hard work. Hard, but something I'm definitely good at. I love the fact that sometimes my job description requires me to be a gigantic pain in the ass and that I get to do this with my social work ethics backing me up. How many people get to say that? I think advocacy is something that is fast becoming lost in today's society. Why else would we have such a problem with bullying? If we taught our kids to speak up for others instead of making politics the reason for our lack of courage maybe it would be less destructive. Maybe we'd all have a little more pride in ourselves, maybe we'd even see the changes we believe someone else should be making.

How does this fit in with being a pilot's wife, you ask? Because often as the spouses we hear the injustices our partners endure in order to keep their job. Some pilots are lucky enough to be represented by a union, but by and large the smaller carriers are not and their pilots get hosed. Such is the case at my husbands work: for months the work rules have been changed to fit his company's needs, but they don't comply with the policy manual they have provided their employees. What does that mean? That means that they are not keeping up their end of the contract they have with their employees. In the past when this has happened I opened myself up to challenge his previous employer, I even encouraged the wives to get involved. In short I became the lightning rod that his company targeted when they sought to dismiss him. As a social worker and an advocate my decision seemed appropriate, after all, the wives have as much to gain or lose from a company that chooses to disregard their employees. As a pilot, I just gave his employer a reason to fire him for inciting unrest with his colleagues and without the protection of a union they were able to fire him. Because of ME! That's a pretty big burden to bear, especially since we were in the middle of planning a wedding, he was unemployed and involved in a protracted legal mess with this company. The issue became much bigger and much more real as far as advocacy is concerned. Believe me when I say there is a lot of guilt and anger. As a result, his former colleagues shut up, quit fighting, and the dissatisfied ones left in droves.

We met with them several months later, his former chief pilot and wife were there along with several other former colleagues. Guess what happened. The guys would talk to us, mostly about shop stuff that wasn't meant to exclude me but did because of the topic. The wives? The wives actually sat with their back to me and ignored me for the two hours we spent at dinner. Not an exaggeration, the only words uttered were "hello"followed by a pointed turning away from me in their seat. What could have caused this? Me and my big mouth, plus the fact that I had "betrayed" my spouse by trying to help and then getting him fired. The judgement was pretty swift and boy was it harsh.

Thinking about now and the current situation my husband finds himself in, it is absolute misery for me. I can handle some bitchy women who think of me as a traitor and can't bother having enough manners to engage in social pleasantries because they dislike my actions. What I can't stand is feeling powerless because I can't help, or I risk more backlash directed at my husband. Sure I can direct the conversation about resources, but I can't offer myself as a resource or a representative. AGONY! Then comes the part where as a spouse you listen and then can't do anything or risk retribution by his company. I want to be an advocate, I really do, I have a serious problem with observing injustice and all it does is make me want to fight. Prior experiences, however, have taught me that regardless of my wish I just have to keep my mouth shut. Boy does that leave a bitter taste.

Where have you been?

Okay, so I haven't been as diligent about my writing as I should have been. I have lots of excuses and none of them are good. Such is life. I can only say that I will try harder.

Things are interesting. I made a huge decision since my last post and that is to change my job. It has been one of the most anxiety provoking experiences that I have had in a long time. The change was very much necessary and I can say that my mental health has improved with the change. The husbands job was also a key element in my choosing this particular job. I accepted a night time position in an emergency room as a social worker. This is not a position most people would consider, nor would anyone really jump at the chance. However, this job had a lot of elements that were an asset and considering my husband is gone much of the time for work, it doesn't have such an undesirable impact on my life.

I can say that my husbands job did drive this decision. The employer will potentially allow me to relocate in a variety of places around the world should the husbands job take us that direction. This I think is something that many people in my situation struggle with. Especially if they have an established career. The question I have struggled with for a long time is, whose career is more important, mine or his? In a perfect world, this wouldn't even be a question, but being in the airline industry, and with me being in an industry that requires me to acquire specific licenses in each state I would choose to live/practice, it is a nightmare. Do we follow the airline job, and I give up career and just follow him from place to place, never really establishing a position for myself? Do we stay in one place and commute which means even more time apart? What happens if he loses his job and we are stuck with my low paying one because I haven't established myself? I'm a pretty independent gal and establishing my own identity is important. I mean, I spent LOTS of money learning how to follow my chosen career, so some emotional/personal investment should be made, right? I like what I do (most days) and it gives me something to do during the times he is away. So I guess you could say that this is a really positive step for me and a very important step for us. After all change is good, and a happy wife means a happy life.

Combatting Loneliness

I missed the husbands phone call last night. I had gone running with a group at a local shoe store, and had gotten home too late to speak to him. I didn't hear my phone ring. I hate it when that happens. When he's gone that tends to be the highlight of my day. I tend to not sleep well until I hear from him just because I like to know how his day went and that he made it home safe.

It's a hard life being the wife of someone gone all the time. I'm an person who likes structure and routine. With a schedule that changes by day and minute that makes the adjustment difficult. I like knowing when he's going to be home so we can plan what we're going to do and not knowing drives me up a wall. I guess you could say that the type A side kicks in. I manage with the help of friends to inject some spontaneity into the hum drum of when he's gone. I have to say that without them to keep things interesting, I would be losing my marbles.

Friends...that is the saving grace of this job. Married friends are an even bigger asset. They tend to support the fact that you're part of a duo and have some empathy about being apart for weeks at a time. I've been blessed with some very good friends and thankfully they take me under their wing. They're awesome they invite me over for dinner and out to happy hour. I can honestly say that they help bring a stability to this life.

Welcome

I've been married to my pilot for almost 3 years now. It's not an easy life and after nearly seven years together we are still navigating the difficulties that the career and the personal life can encounter. My biggest goal is to be a helpful resource, a support. During a difficult time in my relationship I sought support from other pilot wives and found it less than helpful. Ignoring or avoiding the pitfalls and having a safe place to vent the frustration with the job was unavailable. I want to share my experiences with others. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I knew what I was getting myself into when I met and married my pilot, I hope to help other's know what they are going to encounter as well.